Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
