she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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