so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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