We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
