I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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