Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
