hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
