i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
