The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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