When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
