First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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