There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
