Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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