new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Randomize
