you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
