My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I could fuck to npr.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize