There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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