I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
