y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize