i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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