i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize