i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
