Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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