I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
