just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
