Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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