If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
