pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
