4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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