i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
