We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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