this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
