You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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