Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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