ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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