Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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