I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
