Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
