Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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