I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
