Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
