so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
