I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We are two peas in an std pod
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I think people are normalizing furries
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
