I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
being pregnant is like rehab
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
