We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
