Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
