Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
