Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
