is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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