Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize