Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
