OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
