Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(614): View more from Ohio

My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(512): View more from Texas

Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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(773): View more from Illinois

somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.

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