I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
