Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
