I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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