Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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