In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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