did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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