ugly people sure do ruin things
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
