the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my sisters under your porch take her home
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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