Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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