Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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