Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
